Day 26: What's Valentine's Day?

It's 12:09am and I'm sitting here, on a Sunday morning, trying to finish an assignment for my BMus.

Again, I have to ask myself: what the hell was I thinking, studying at two universities at once (which is not actually allowed)? And then I wonder why my music career has stalled... I'm an idiot. My mom always says, "My son, too many irons in the fire." Well hey, I can't quit, so what the hell am I gonna do?

I think my biggest fear sometimes is that I'll become this music academic instead of being a true performer, and that music will then just be a head exercise for me. I can't help thinking about Goldfish: in 2006 Flo and I beat them to win the Top Billing Music Award, but they have since seriously kicked our asses, winning SAMAs and signing with Sony. They do like 7 gigs a week, I battle to do 1 a month! This worries me: am I a true musician then? Doubt fills my heart in the wee hours of the morning.

Elvis Costello, who I share a birthday with, once said, "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. It's a really stupid thing to want to do." I'm not sure what he meant, but again, it scares me. Does it mean that studying music is a waste of time, because you never get out there and take action - it just becomes an exercise in theory? Or should I follow the Rudy Principle, when his boss says to him something along the lines of, "Oh you're so full of crap! You hung out with the best college football team in the land, and you just got one year of top quality education from one of the best universities. In this lifetime you've got nothing to prove to anyone except yourself." I love that movie - still my favourite of all time.

In the final analysis: I don't know... Maybe it's time to go to bed.

Days to go: 339