we have met the enemy, and he is us

Why I will never give up:

Thanks to Pogo Possum and Walt Kelly for this wise parody of words in the subject line - and to Wikipedia for teaching us where it comes from!

This post is all over the place, with totally disjointed thoughts. I am puking it out anyway... Better off my chest than in my heart causing damage, because this way I get to better see the magnificence of the blessing in the perceived crisis.

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how something that was initially ignored becomes self-evident later - how it's so obvious that people always expected it to be so. I once read a quote by a famous American radio announcer who said that people won't give you the time of day when it comes to something - but then when you make it, they act as if they always knew you would.

This also relates to Malcolm Gladwell's tipping point - achievement in any area of endeavour seems like an uphill struggle, but when you break through, then it just seems easier (although it's not). This is also relevant to branding - the whole notion of creating a strong brand is built on the premise that once that brand is strong and well-known, then it's easier to get it out there...

I refer specifically to a music awards ceremony. I enter it every year, but every year, I get nowhere. I see people that I know who enter it, and they have won - and now whenever they enter, they always seem to either win or be nominated. It's because their personal brands have been given that initial boost.

To tell you the truth, I don't think my music is good enough yet - on paper, yes, but in reality, no. And it's not because all those people are more talented than me. I know that I have worked really hard on my talent for music, and that it does not come easy. I have beaten those same people in competitions before, so I know I have what they do. But they have had success that I have not had (yet), so they seem to be breaking through more often. It's Jon Shaw's theory of double jeopardy in music branding. Good thing I am doing my doctorate on personal music brands, so this info will help me with my studies - and ultimately to build my own personal music brand.

So I am not surprised that I did not get nominated for an award - again. I just don't think I am there yet with the professional side of things - mostly because I cannot afford it yet (though that is going to change). But I know I have the talent and the vision, the mission and the purpose, the values to lead me there. It's just gonna take a bit more time. Music X-Ray sent us an email today, about the rejection letter of Bono back in 1978. Their advice? You keep trying until someone says yes. I also like John Demartini's advice: just outlive all the other fuckers, and when they die, you'll be the only one left standing.

Yes, this time I am discouraged that my music career is going nowhere. Yes, I feel confused, disheartened, discouraged, down. Is this because music truly is NOT my highest value - or because I am not doing well enough? According to whom? Well, if music is not my highest value, then I pray God will change that - make the void so great that the value becomes enormous - and may I search all my life for a thirst that will never be quenched.

I sometimes feel that the problem is me - it's not all the others who say no. It's me. It's not the other people who told me I couldn't - yeah, there have been some of those. It's me who keeps silently telling myself that I can't, shouldn't, mustn't, haven't yet so why bother, etc., etc., etc.

Well I am very sorry Rob Rodell. I don't give a shit what you say to me - I want this. It may be a small ember that is burning and is about to die, but I pray that it will never go out. I pray that my life's work truly is music, and that the greatest contribution that I will make to this world is a musical one.

I am so far from that it is scary. But I don't care. May the ember never die. May I truly follow the calling of my soul.

I ask myself right now: strip away all the bullshit. What do I really want? The inner turmoil that I feel clouds my vision. But as I sit here, what will I write? I declare that my telos is music, and I pray that it will be so for all eternity.

So TAKE THAT, Rob Rodell! Go fuck yourself. I will NEVER give up on music. I don't care if I am 95 years old with my oxygen tank when they call me up on stage to win my only Grammy.

I will follow my dream, no matter how dead or dying it is. I will follow my dream. I will follow my dream. It is a music dream. I drink deep of the fountain of music. May my soul never be quenched.